Email

The more you want something, the harder it is to handle fear.

And I have typed and sent one of the hardest email I've ever had to type and send in my whole life.

I had so much fear prior to typing that email. This very fear was the cause of the delay of that email in the first place. I should have done it a month ago. But every time I remembered what I was supposed to do, I would make the thought disappear. I didn't want to deal with it.

I was afraid of so many things. I was afraid that after all that distance between the time I was supposed to email them, and now, they would say,

"What's the point?"

Or they could say,

"I don't think you're serious enough about this."

Or they might think,

"You're not good enough."

The thought petrified me. I even considered just dropping the whole thing, even though in my heart I knew that was not the right thing to do. I'd be betraying myself if I let myself let go without even trying. I mean, it's such a simple thing. It's just an email. How can I tell myself I've tried my best if I can't even type an email?

So... It's always during the most normal of times that I decide to take action. Finding the email they sent me was easy, all I had to do was click 'older emails' and I knew I'd find it. The fear made my finger feel really heavy though.

But, the moment I typed 'Hello so and so...' words came easily to me. It's always so when I'm filled with emotions. As the way it is with this post, right now. When I write from the heart, fear gradually disappears. It's strange. It's almost as if...

All the fear and negativity come from the rational part of my body, my brains. And all the courage comes from the heart. It's almost as if the heart is fearless.

When I finished typing the email, I sighed and thought, "What took me so long? That wasn't that hard."

Because reading what I typed, I didn't care anymore what they'd think of me. I only cared about the truth, and the truth is, I am earnest, honest and trying my best. And I tried the best I could to get my feelings across in that email. Of how much I'm working towards my goal.

I think generally, people are nice and really accepting. I'm just being way too critical of myself.

But hey, who's going to set the standards on myself if not me?

So that's it. The thing that's been bugging my mind for the past 1 month, I've gone and done it. And I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I didn't do it later, but now. And I have a feeling this new song I'm listening to on repeat has something to do with this extra courage I sense in my heart. I'm really grateful to God for that. He's everywhere. Really.